Thursday, 22 May 2014

Woman throws herself in front of horse to get out of voting

A Yorkshire woman sustained serious injuries today after jumping in front of a Windsor Grey to avoid voting in the European elections.

Emily Wooding, 21, whose last vote was for Wagner in the 2008 X-Factor series final, had been complaining of confusion and stomach ache caused by the furore surrounding today’s twitter trending topics before she decided to hurl herself in front of a 500kg equus.

“I went on twitter to share a pic of me quiche,” said Wooding, “but everyone was talking about meps. What are meps? And what the fuck is a Farage?”
It looked a bit like this.

“It was all too much. Proper confusing like,” said Wooding from her hospital bed. “I wanted to just stay at home and bake cookies for me man.”

Wooding had run to the local race course in distress after reading her 500th condescending Facebook status of the day urging her to vote.

Her friends Kenneth and Julie Walters, who own a vegan bike shop in Shoreditch, insisted “Anyone who votes UKIP just delete us now” in a show of their enlightened belief in the British democratic system that everyone can vote according to their preference.

Wooding discussed her confusion further. “Russell Brand told me not to vote,” she said, “but now Paul from work has shared a picture of Ed Miliband eating a pasty I don’t know what to think.”

“If I don’t vote I’m an idiot. If I do vote, I have to invest at least 6 hours tonight tweeting about it. I just wish I didn’t have the right to vote at all.”

FAST FACTS
472,3004 British women “just forgot” to vote in today’s elections.
736,982 British women thought they weren't allowed to vote because they were watching the election on ITV catch-up and feared their votes would not be recorded but would still be charged.
999,666 British women talked about voting but didn’t.
My mum voted after my dad told her to.

Friday, 14 February 2014

Valentines cards for the one who isn't The One

'Love' is a powerful term that should only be used to describe the way you feel about McNuggets, your dog, and that-person-you-met-during-Freshers-week-who-you-just-knew-would-be-your-BBFL. You're sensible, you know this. You can't just throw the term 'love' around willy nilly like it's nothing more than the release of oxytocin and serotonin in your brain. Love is totes special, and that's why you can't use that word to describe how you feel for them. You know, them? The way you feel about them is somewhere on the treacherous scale between a Facebook like and a marriage proposal, but you're not quite sure where. You can't say 'I love you' because you don't, and you can't say 'I don't love you' because then they might stop buying you things. So what can you say? 

Fear no more! A new selection of cards has been released in time for Valentine's Day that are the perfect gift for that person you're with (but not with, you know?) 

For the sex-ex:


For the one who makes you cry:

For your tinder date:

For the one you're playing it cool with:

For the one that broke your heart:

For the one that's there:

For the self-obsessed hottie:


For the fuck-buddy: 
Inside message: 'Thanks for improving my street cred during games of Never Have I Ever' 

For the one who doesn't look as good in daylight:


For the one you really should stop having  sex with:

For the one your friends aren't happy about:
For the one you'll marry from spite:

For the other one who'll do:

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

'Happiness was the real mental illness all along' say scientists

A ground-breaking new study from scientists in Mabedrum, London, has revealed that happiness is a dangerous psychological abnormality.

Happiness, characterised by positive and pleasant sensations, is a state of mood that affects people's thoughts, behaviour, and actions in a disturbing manner. Happy people have been known to believe in themselves, smile, and even make eye contact with other people on public transport. In extreme cases of happiness, sufferers have also reported being able to look in the mirror without crying.
The disturbing artwork of someone who sees
joy in the world around them.

Dr Christian Jessen, who is campaigning to get happiness listed as a psychiatric disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is concerned by the rising number of sufferers.

'In the modern world, happiness is a dangerous thing' said Jessen. 'Anyone who can live in a world of NekNominations and selfies and still go to bed feeling pleasant emotions is clearly insane.'

One of Jessen's patients, Gillian Marguerite Marley, 41, is willing to open up about the horrors she has suffered in order to dismantle the taboos surrounding the disorder.

'I live in a world which hasn't yet managed to design a fully-functioning umbrella' said Marley. 'I mean, those things just collapse at the slight gust of wind.

'I also went to the gynaecologist the other day and she didn't compliment my pedicure. Despite this, I still feel happy and even genuinely and sincerely asked the cashier in Tesco how their day was going. It's debilitating.'

Marley expressed deep gratitude to Dr Jessen for helping her to overcome some of the symptoms of her mental illness. 'Whenever I feel like smiling' she said 'Jessen has advised me to think of the Kardashians. It helps.'

However, Jessen's findings still need to be peer reviewed by others in the psychological community. The doctor is no stranger to controversy; last year his suggestion to redefine 'eating disorder' as 'anyone who actually eats five fruit or veg a day and/or gets up in the morning on time to have breakfast' was met with degradation by his fellow scientists.

Jessen is still positive about his results. 'It is clear to all that depression is a natural and desired reaction to the modern world. Anyone who feels happiness is clearly deranged. We urgently need to get these people the help they need.'

If you or anyone who know is suffering from happiness please call our helpline on 0800-YOLO. In urgent cases please advise the sufferer to immediately reflect on the state of the economy, graduate employment prospects, and that person at work who named their new born son Kal-el.