|We ain't had nothin but cold |
pizza for three stinkin days.
Some say the future is always uncertain. And that's quite true. You don't really know what's going to happen, even when you have your day planned out meticulously (1PM-3AM: watch Lord of the Rings trilogy and eat cold pizza). Tomorrow, with it's ins and outs, twists and turns, ticks and tocks, is always uncertain. You don't know who you will see, what they will say, how you will feel. You don't know if someone you know will die. You don't know if you will die (spoiler alert: you will). So it's true, the future is always uncertain, but some tomorrows are more uncertain than others.
Right now, the future feels very uncertain. This is because I, like many of you reading this, will soon be graduating.
|Will I have a funky-ass fur coat and|
The problem with graduating is that, aside from getting bi-monthly phone-calls asking you, a valued alumnus, to donate money to your treasured university, you just don't know what's going to happen next. Will you be pretty? Will you be rich? Will you have rainbows day after day? No one fucking knows.
I have been in education for 16 years. For the first time in my life September will not mean a new school year. It will not mean buying a new Muppets pencil-case and a pair of shoes. It will not mean getting a new haircut and nervously choosing a new pal to sit next to (to whom you can tactfully show off aforementioned pencil-case). Instead, I have literally no sodding clue what my life will be in September.
Will I have a job? Probs not. Will I have money? Probs not. Will I have a smug sense of superiority that despite being jobless and penniless I'm not the kind of person that thinks it's acceptable to use hashtags on Facebook? Probs.
|Shakespeare wrote something|
about this too but I'm not
sure his was as good.
I have no life plans. No income. No way to know that I will ever be anything other than me. The lowest lows and the highest highs of my life are yet to come. I will make mistakes that I can't even imagine. Conclusively, fuck.
Tomorrows are more uncertain than ever.
Luckily for me, and for you (because let's face it, if you've read this far, you either have no life or are my mum) some things in life are pretty damn certain. Death, sure. Taxes, sure. Leaving it so late to go to the toilet that your bladder is 3 seconds away from exploding, sure. Some things in life will always be true, and I've listed them here for you, in the hope that you can find sweet comfort in the certainties of existence.
In the future you will:
Unintentionally insult someone during a conversation.
People are often easily offended. It might be a word, it might be a tone of voice, it might be the way you ask if they ever plan on contributing anything worthwhile to society other than boosting the economy with their Ann Summer's parties, people can easily take offence at the smallest things you say. Whether you live 6 more days or 60 more years, I can guarantee that unless you're Pippy Fucking Longstocking, someone is gunna hate your words (and guts).
Spill food on yourself.
Okay, for some of us this is a daily occurrence, but even if you have actually developed the ability to lift a spoon to your mouth (way more complicated than it sounds), I'm willing to bet that at one point during the rest of your life, you will spill food down yourself. It will happen. You don't have to call the dog to get him to lick it off your jeans though. Seriously.
Mistakenly believe that you matter.
It might be a retweet. It might be a gold star on your spelling test. It might be a promotion, or a marriage, or a round of applause for a speech. At one point, you will think you matter. You're special.
Sit the fuck down.
Unless you've Avada Kedavra'd Voldemort/Kim Jong-un, you're fucking no one (and, let's be honest, you're also probably fucking no one). Even then, the entire universe will eventually crumble to dust, and no one will be left to remember that Shakespeare, or Churchill, or Jet Li existed, let alone that you did.
Love and be loved.
It is alright that ultimately we are all useless pieces of shit though, because I predict that you will love. And in the words of Maroon 5, you will be loved. (Except you, sorry).
At one time in the future you will pine for the past, fondly and falsely reminiscing about your schooldays. You will forget the way your peers made you feel, the way you shivered in a cold classroom in an itchy uniform, the way your lecturer looked at you as if to question your very existence, and you will wish for days gone by. And a Gameboy.
Buy something you don't need and that is of no use to you whatsoever.
I FUCKING NEEDED THAT STICKER BOOK, OKAY.
Be ruled by Kim and Kayne's baby girl in a post-apocalyptic dictatorship in which you are forced to do the Harlem Shake as a morning exercise regime whilst you are watched by a telescreen.
Read more about it in my new book, 2084 (not much has changed, but we live under water).
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