|Nothing says 'grown up'|
That shit's terrifying.
Admit it. You feel like a twelve-year old masquerading behind a cup of coffee and sensible shoes. Every time you ring the water company to pay your bill, you're sure they're going to ask to speak to your parents. Council tax is a thing now. What is that? You have no idea. You're lost and confused and salsa-covered because no one taught you how to become an adult, they just expect you to be one.
I'm here to help. Here are some handy tips that will help you be confident in your new-found adult status. Follow these simple rules and you'll look and feel like an adult in no time.
1) Repeat After Me:
Adulthood isn't merely defined by the way you look or the amount of forms you have to fill out, it's also apparent in the the things that you say. Adults can sense other adults by the words they choose to vocalise. I'm sure you already know not to mention fish fingers, or your true opinions on Miley Cyrus, or the fact you've never actually used a lawn mower. But then, what can you mention? Here are some really handy things you can say to cashiers and your co-worker Jeanie to let them know that you're All Grown Up.
"Ooh, the weather's taken a nasty turn hasn't it?"
"Taxes eh, bloody, taxes"
"Is it October 16th already?!"
"Cyclist eh, bloody cyclists"
"Oh, I'm not sure how much longer I can hold out before putting the heating on!"
"Syria eh, bloody Syria"
"How in the hell do you attach a file to an email anyway?"
2) Get Out of Bed.
We can no longer rely on pesky things like jobs to denote adult status, because as of 2013, there's only one job for every 283,000 adults in the UK, and it went to the CEO's nephew. Just because you don't have a job doesn't mean you can't be a functioning member of society, however. With a few simple steps you can get out of bed every morning, and if you're feeling adventurous, maybe even put some clothes on. Wearing clothes really helps people to respect you and think 'hey, there goes an adult'. For extra adult points, look after the clothes you wear and:
3) Own a Lint Roller.
4) Understand Newspaper Cartoons.
I'm going to level with you here, I'm not sure this is entirely possible. However, you can totally pretend to understand newspaper cartoons. Make sure you laugh out loud and nod your head in a knowing sort of way. Maybe say, "Come check this out Ted" and "Politicians, eh" for added measure. Then, if you're feeling adventurous:
5) Talk About Politics.
Don't panic, this has absolutely nothing at all to do with knowing about politics. Just overhear snippets of information and then formulate stubborn opinions based on them. People will respect you in no time.
6) Make Phone Calls.
7) Stop Crying When You Fall Over.
I'm not going to tell you to stop falling over, because successful control of your limbs and bodily fluids is way too much to ask at such an early stage of the adult-metamorphosis. But when you do fall over, try not to cry. Swap cuts and grazes for airs and graces by shaking the dust off your suit (see: Point 3) and nodding to your companions with a smile. The gentle nod is a form of adult communication which lets people know 'Look at me. I'm brave. I fell over. I've handled it. I'm a big boy.'
8) Stay Up As Late As You Want.
Which just so happens to be 10pm, okay.
|Any happy little thought?|
Watch in horror as your hair turns grey and your knees struggle under the weight of your gut/existence as you climb stairs. Why are your wrists making that noise? You can't see as well as you used to and you're thankful for that fact every day when you get out of the shower and spy your bulging naked body in the floor-length mirror. You frantically try to scrub the mirror clean of water marks before finally admitting that your skin is peppered with liver spots. When did you outgrow that T-shirt? When did you outgrow T-shirts in general? Do you really have to get up at 7am for the next 50 years? Your music taste is dated but you aren't. No one wants you. No one loved you in your prime and no one wants you now your skin has stopped feeling like skin. Slowly your body is decaying day by day until nature decides to speed up the process with the miraculous gift of cancer. That's great though. It means love and care from your colleagues and Facebook friends. Except it doesn't. Because you have butt cancer. The only cancer you're too embarrassed to seek sympathy for. If you're lucky, you might die. If not, you can watch your body shrivel to a shell of your former self whilst jealously eying teenagers in the street, internally screaming that yes, you too feel sixteen on the inside.
10) Eat Your Dessert Without Finishing Your Vegetables.