On the uncertainty of the future.

We ain't had nothin but cold
pizza for three stinkin days.

Some say the future is always uncertain. And that's quite true. You don't really know what's going to happen, even when you have your day planned out meticulously (1PM-3AM: watch Lord of the Rings trilogy and eat cold pizza). Tomorrow, with it's ins and outs, twists and turns, ticks and tocks, is always uncertain. You don't know who you will see, what they will say, how you will feel. You don't know if someone you know will die. You don't know if you will die (spoiler alert: you will). So it's true, the future is always uncertain, but some tomorrows are more uncertain than others.

Right now, the future feels very uncertain. This is because I, like many of you reading this, will soon be graduating. 

Fuck yes. 

Will I have a funky-ass fur coat and
matching hair-do? 

The problem with graduating is that, aside from getting bi-monthly phone-calls asking you, a valued alumnus, to donate money to your treasured university, you just don't know what's going to happen next. Will you be pretty? Will you be rich? Will you have rainbows day after day? No one fucking knows. 

I have been in education for 16 years. For the first time in my life September will not mean a new school year. It will not mean buying a new Muppets pencil-case and a pair of shoes. It will not mean getting a new haircut and nervously choosing a new pal to sit next to (to whom you can tactfully show off aforementioned pencil-case). Instead, I have literally no sodding clue what my life will be in September.

Will I have a job? Probs not. Will I have money? Probs not. Will I have a smug sense of superiority that despite being jobless and penniless I'm not the kind of person that thinks it's acceptable to use hashtags on Facebook? Probs. 

Shakespeare wrote something
about this too but I'm not
sure his was as good.

I have no life plans. No income. No way to know that I will ever be anything other than me. The lowest lows and the highest highs of my life are yet to come. I will make mistakes that I can't even imagine. Conclusively, fuck.

Tomorrows are more uncertain than ever. 

Luckily for me, and for you (because let's face it, if you've read this far, you either have no life or are my mum) some things in life are pretty damn certain. Death, sure. Taxes, sure. Leaving it so late to go to the toilet that your bladder is 3 seconds away from exploding, sure. Some things in life will always be true, and I've listed them here for you, in the hope that you can find sweet comfort in the certainties of existence. 

In the future you will:

Unintentionally insult someone during a conversation.

People are often easily offended. It might be a word, it might be a tone of voice, it might be the way you ask if they ever plan on contributing anything worthwhile to society other than boosting the economy with their Ann Summer's parties, people can easily take offence at the smallest things you say. Whether you live 6 more days or 60 more years, I can guarantee that unless you're Pippy Fucking Longstocking, someone is gunna hate your words (and guts). 

Spill food on yourself.

Okay, for some of us this is a daily occurrence, but even if you have actually developed the ability to lift a spoon to your mouth (way more complicated than it sounds), I'm willing to bet that at one point during the rest of your life, you will spill food down yourself. It will happen. You don't have to call the dog to get him to lick it off your jeans though. Seriously. 

Mistakenly believe that you matter. 

It might be a retweet. It might be a gold star on your spelling test. It might be a promotion, or a marriage, or a  round of applause for a speech. At one point, you will think you matter. You're special.

Sit the fuck down.

Unless you've Avada Kedavra'd Voldemort/Kim Jong-un, you're fucking no one (and, let's be honest, you're also probably fucking no one). Even then, the entire universe will eventually crumble to dust, and no one will be left to remember that Shakespeare, or Churchill, or Jet Li existed, let alone that you did. 

Love and be loved. 

It is alright that ultimately we are all useless pieces of shit though, because I predict that you will love. And in the words of Maroon 5, you will be loved. (Except you, sorry). 

Feel nostalgic.

At one time in the future you will pine for the past, fondly and falsely reminiscing about your schooldays. You will forget the way your peers made you feel, the way you shivered in a cold classroom in an itchy uniform, the way your lecturer looked at you as if to question your very existence, and you will wish for days gone by. And a Gameboy. 

Buy something you don't need and that is of no use to you whatsoever. 

I FUCKING NEEDED THAT STICKER BOOK, OKAY. 

Be ruled by Kim and Kayne's baby girl in a post-apocalyptic dictatorship in which you are forced to do the Harlem Shake as a morning exercise regime whilst you are watched by a telescreen. 

Read more about it in my new book, 2084 (not much has changed, but we live under water). 

If you'd like the honour of being the 100th person to 'like' my Facebook page, click here.

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How to be Charitable.

Whoever said charity begins at home was on crack. Charity totally begins in exotic warm locations where I can get a tan whilst re-teaching some random starving kid how to say 'hello' in English as he stares hungrily at my Cherry Chapstick. Or charity is like when you spend a month laying bricks to build a hostel for other privileged Europeans to come live in whilst they help out- and get profile pictures with- tiny, slightly cute but mostly dirty, children. I mean THAT is totally what charity is about.

Could you take a picture of me
painting  this orphanage? Careful!
That camera is worth more
 than your entire village! 

It's like that time I saw Les Mis in the cinema and decided to give a pound each to two homeless men, because, like, at the end of the day they're another day older, and that's all you can say for the life of the poor. (Note: I was not equally charitable after seeing the theatre version, because the theatre is expensive, okay?). I mean, that was great, and I felt all Mother Theresa-y, but did I get a profile picture, a tan, and some totes amazing new cultural experiences with it? Nope.

I would donate to Oxfam, or whatever, but then the people I'm generously giving to can't SEE my smiling face, and really, I think that's the best gift of all. Plus, if I do it that way, I totally have to give my OWN money - ha! As if!

No. Instead, the best way to be charitable is to raise money. And I don't mean raise money and then send it off in a nice clean envelope to some starving goat-herder. No way. I mean raise money to SEND ME off in a nice clean aeroplane so I can smile/take pictures with/be culturally insensitive towards some starving goat-herder. It really is the best way for everyone.

I mean, that way, it's like charity for two people. You guys get to be charitable to me, to let me be able to

Totes! 

afford flights and buy plug adaptors that let me take my hair straighteners along (I mean, hello, humidity causes so much frizz!). What was I saying? Oh yeah, right. It's like charity for me, AND some underprivileged people. I mean, after the £1000 I've raised from my cupcake selling/pestering my Aunty Sue's boyfriend's boss, there will be about £50 left over to spend on educating the impoverished! £50! Did you know you can like feed and educate an entire African for like a £1? I'd be helping like...a lot of people!

At the end of the day, if you want to work hard for your money and give a portion of it away to people in need, you are quite frankly just doing it wrong. You are clearly a loving and amazing person in wanting to fly off to the third world, so your job is done. It's now totally other people's responsibility to give you money. I mean you will feel amazingly charitable and kind giving away other people's money to people in need. After all, YOU raised it! And you raised it in a totally hard way!

You like, did a 10 mile jog, which, okay, you were totally gunna do anyway, and sure, it had the added benefit of meaning you got skinny and healthy along the way, but I mean, of course people wanted to pay you to run! Or like, if you're a guy, you can shave your head! People pay big bucks for you to shave your head to raise money in order for you to go to a hot country where you probs would have shaved your head anyway, because hello, hair can make you totally sweaty. I mean, it's really best when getting sponsors to get sponsored for an activity that is no inconvenience to you at all, and actually benefits you in many ways!

The next tip in being charitable is to tell the internet, BEFORE, DURING, and AFTER your trip. During might be super hard, because you have to pay like money to sit in an internet cafe, and take time off your smiling and picture taking duties, but yeah, it is super worthwhile. Sometimes picture taking can be really hard, because it's really hard to remember the kids names, or actually kinda distinguish who's who after a while. So make sure when you upload your pics you just caption them with like 'me and my fave little guy!', because, like, you can't even remember his name, let alone SPELL it.

I think that's basically all the tips and tricks I can think of for being charitable. To summarise, the top things to remember are:

The amazing new toilet I built for the
locals!

1) NEVER give your own money away, though take some along to buy souvenirs.

2) Get a profile picture, or it was pointless.

3) Get YOURSELF an amazing cultural experience!

4) Put it on your CV to make you stand out from the crowd!

5) Show the locals how to party!

6) Teach kids or something.

7) Slow down local building efforts with your inability to lay bricks, WHILST taking the work away from locals that could do with the job!

8) Tan!

Disclaimer: people who use their own money to go abroad/help out etc., are kickass individuals. As are those who raise money to help out when they're over there but don't take a cut for their own living expenses. But people who expect me to pay for their flights and accommodation are, quite frankly, wankers. 

FYI: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Volunteer_travel#Controversy

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Top Ten/Only Ten Uses For Your Degree.

If your degree involved any of the following, click away now:

-Learning how to pull small crying humans from the insides of big crying humans.
-Making metal things out of metal.
-Using words which aren't English to talk to people who aren't English.
-Healing people's insides with your (sterilised) HANDS.
-Fixing my computer when that blue screen pops up and interrupts the episode of 'My Strange Addiction' that I'm watching on YouTube.


Welcome, failures.

I should be left with a bunch of poor specimens of humanit(ies degrees) whose entire academic careers have been spent perfecting the Harvard referencing system, Wikipedia-ing just who the fuck Voltaire is anyway, and inflating Capri-Sun bottles with their noses.

I have some news for you lovely, lovely people. Your degrees are useless.

That is, they are traditionally useless. Sure you won't be able to use them to get a real job, or make more than £12,000 a year, but your degree has WAY, way more practical uses than just that. And because I have a flare for helping humanity/procrastinating, I'm going to let you know just what those uses are.

1. The Profile Picture to End All Profile Pictures. 

Jilly and Rod offering
'likes for likes' on graduation
and dissertations pics.



Studies have shown that choosing a profile picture can be more emotionally distressing and time consuming than choosing a career. You got 56 likes on that picture of you and your finished dissertation, which is way better than getting a first in it, but how can you up the stakes? Upload a pic of you with ya cool academic hat and a bit of rolled up paper and BAM, the likes will flow in. Who needs money, seriously? Likes are the only currency worth having. 

2. A Tissue.

So you're sat around crying because you can't get a job, and you got kinda fat, and you're addicted to looking-through-pictures-of-yourself-on-Facebook-imagining-what-other-people-might-think-whilst-they-look-through-pictures-of-you-on-Facebook. Well, so what? You've got a perfectly absorbent scrap of paper lying around that can put Kleenex to shame. (Warning: absorbency is due to be affected by budget cuts in 2015). 



I do.



3. Giving your PlentyofFish profile an edge.  

How can you get Ivan Afucya to notice you? His profile pic is totes cute, he's got that awesome European thing going on, and he has 'fishing' under his interests, and you LOVE fish (non-battered, slice of lemon, hold the chips). You're not having much luck on dating sites because your profile picture is simply TOO hot, and it's attracting the dregs of humanity. Flaunt your class (attending skills) by listing your degree under your 'assets'. Before you know it, you'll be drowning in direct messages.

4. Warmth and Food.

Your degree will really come in handy on those cold winter nights when you can't afford to put the heating on. It can easily be crafted into a cute set of mittens, used as a blanket, burnt as kindling, or smoked. The potential is endless. Alternatively, degrees are full of fibre and offer your immune system a much needed boost with their papery goodness. What's more, they're good to feed a whole family for one day, which certainly exceeds the expectations of your careers adviser. 

5. Birth Control.  

This picture is barely relevant.



Everyone knows that there are only two routes for an 18 year old that's just got their A-levels: baby or degree. So you tried the latter, and let's face it, it didn't work out. It's time to have a baby. Babies are cute, they get you money from the government, and they're easily ignored if you turn the telly up loud. So wrap you degree around your genitals, do the dirty, and before you know it you'll have a tiny little human to love and regret.

And remember, as they get older, you'll realise raising kids can be super fun. You can tell them lies like 'eating the crusts will make your hair curly', 'there's a child in Africa who would kill his mother to eat your cauliflower cheese', and 'getting a degree will get you a good job and a good salary'. 

6. Ego Boost.

Do you have a twitter? Do you enjoy taking selfies? Do you think that man on the bus is perving on you when really he just wants your seat because he has a gammy leg? If you answered 'yes' to one or more of these questions, chances are you're a narcissist. Narcissism can be hard to maintain when you've lost control of your body hair, don't have a job, and you accidentally just killed your cat whilst trying to make a viral video. No problem. A degree is an easy way to maintain your narcissism. Frame it. Make copies and frame it again. Put it in your bathroom. Set it as your phone background. Hug it when you go to sleep. You'll feel better about yourself in no time.

7. Buying a 'Geek' T-Shirt.

I'm too stupid for my shirt.

You may have heard of the recent surge in identity fraud whereby noticeable non-geeky individuals are wearing items of clothing emblazoned with terms such as 'geek or 'nerd'. To counteract such fraudulent behaviour, cashiers and now legally required to ask for certificates of higher education before selling such shirts. With the law due to be finalised in July 2013, owning a degree will soon allow you to be one of the select individuals permitted to wear their intelligence level on their chests.

8. Grown Up Status.

A degree is your ticket to adulthood. Carry it on you at all times for when people whip out such lines as 'I'll tell you when you're older', 'Do you plan on ever growing up?', and 'Why the hell are you naked in the corner clutching a bag of Doritos?'. Holding up your degree for these patronising bastards to oggle allows you to instantaneously validate your existence.

9. Self-Discovery.

Okay, so maybe the end result wasn't that useful, but you've totally just spent the last three years on a beautiful journey of self-discovery. Your brain has expanded. You've learnt so many wonderful things about yourself and the world. You've gained independence. You now know how to use a can opener. And apostrophes. What more could you want from spending £9000 on 3 hours a week contact-time education?

10. An Existential Crisis.

Fuck off.

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