Facebook Friends: How having 946 of them can be lame.

'Friends are like stars; you don't always see them but you know they are always there ♥'
Facebook friends are like stars; there's millions of them and they're mostly massive balls of gas.


In the world of social networking the word 'friend' has come to adopt an entirely new meaning. Back in the day, to have a friend meant to have someone to pretend to be a horse with or show your new pokémon card to. On Facebook, to have a friend means to have another person's profile to view, profile picture to resent, and status to hate. So why do so many people have near 1000 of them?


Facebook friend counts are a quick, easy way to visualise popularity. 949 = cool. 12 = not.
This tool to gauge a person's popularity is much sneakier than the old Myspace 'profile views' and Bebo 'Share the Luv'. But how many people look at a person with 1492 friends and instantly deem them cool and popular? The more likely result is to assume they either:
a) add everyone they meet, including the pizza delivery guy and some kid they helped to find a quiche in Morrison's
b) reject no friend requests, including the Zimbabwean pig-farmers and  some kid they helped to find a quiche in Morrison's
OR
c) they are a whore.


The problem is, however, that those who have too many friends can be deemed douchebags, but so can those who have too little. Individuals with less than a hundred friends are probably either retarded or your Aunty Vera (or both).
Does this mean we only care about these 'friends' for the number they represent?
Yes.


Many of these so-called friends are in fact enemies, but we keep them around on our lists. 'Numbers' is only one factor, judging and spying on people are others. Personally, despite the fact I hate pretty much everyone, I very rarely click the fateful 'delete from friends' button. Numbers and spying aside, the less friends you have the less people there are to amuse you with their updates when you want to procrastinate; the less people you have to click like on your amazingly witty status about that awkward time something awkward happened and it was hilarious; the less people you can link your blog to.


However, the 2010s are an era of cuts and it's not just humanities' budgets and national health services that have to go. Deleting friends is refreshing; a nicer and more honest way to social network. Realising I have people on my friends list who I've never even had a conversation with is striking. Recently I noticed someone deleted me and was momentarily annoyed until I realised he had more guts than I, for we had both hated each other since the moment we met.

I know 12 year olds with more friends on Facebook than me. Does this make them popular? No, it just makes them retarded. (Though, a certain correlation does exist between retardation and popularity).


Hypocrisy of course is key and I will continue to add that girl who sat four seats away from me in my Medieval Britain seminar and continue to accept Safeer Ali, the snooker champion of Oman Muskat. But I will also continue to complain about it.


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And now a visual lesson in why to discriminate in accepting friends:

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