Saturday, 28 May 2011

5 romantic fiction moments that would be creepy in real life.

'Romance is dead', complain twelve year old girls all over the planet whose boyfriends have failed to buy them 1000 roses because they're too busy spending their 50p-a-week pocket  money on stickers with footballers on. Romance is not dead, but neither is romance alive. Romance is in fact: undead. That is, alike to to flesh-eating, brains-craving zombies, romance is creepy.

Picture this: a thirteen year old girl hit on by a twenty year old man who she has known for a few days. He then proceeds to stand outside her window in the dead of night and yell things to her like 'I wish I was your glove so I could touch you'. Creepy right? Well give the paedophile a feathered cap and a cape and who do you get? Romeo.

When we watch romantic films or read romantic books we sigh and 'aww' at the romance of floppy haired actors and turn to our boyfriends with (tear filled) eyes that say: 'Why can't you be like that?'. In reality, fictional romance would just be outright creepy in real life. Don't believe me? Read on.


In the film: Edward finally admits his true feelings for Bella and shows the extent of his self control. Top it off with an adorable metaphor about forbidden love. 
In real life: The boy you sort-of-have-a-crush-on takes you to a dark secluded wooded area, admits he has problems with heroine, tells you he hated you, pins you up against a tree, touches your chest, and calls you a baby sheep. 

Harry Potter. 

In the film: It's Christmas eve and Harry and Ginny keep love alive through these harsh and turbulent times of Voldemort's return. Ginny bends down to affectionately and lovingly tie Harry's laces which could have led to a disastrous accident on the way up the stairs that would finally destroy The Boy Who Lived forever. They almost kiss.
In real life: Ginny bends down and Harry thinks he's gunna get a BJ. Stupid bitch ties his laces instead.


In the film:  Boyishly handsome Jack helps rich beautiful Rose gain experiences she has never had before in her highly-strung upper class life. She laughs in glee at the amazing new sensation of wind.
In real life: A poor boy tells you to close your eyes and touches you in dangerous places at a dangerous place.

Forrest Gump.

In the film: Slow but lovable Forrest proposes to Jenny who rejects because she knows he deserves someone better. 
In real life: A retard asks why you don't love him. You're too scared to say it's because he's a retard. 

When Harry met Sally.
In the film: Harry's romantic outburst tells Sally everything he loves about her. Like a woman, she cries.
In real life: I can't fault this one. I wish my boyfriend told me he loves that it takes me an hour and a half to order a sandwich, instead he just says 'Hurry the fuck up, we're missing Grand Designs'. 

1 comment:

  1. "When Harry Met Sally" is one of my all-time favorite love stories, because it's messy and complicated and takes them too long to get together, just like something that would actually happen in real life.