Monday, 2 May 2011

Tried and Tested: Best Sex Positions.

This is the original and the best- invented by Jesus Christ 2000 years ago, hence the name. Mostly this is undertaken by nuns and the clergy because they have the necessary religious artefacts. Don't let that put you off though, I did this once and it's really good. 9/10. 

The 69.
This one is quite difficult because you will need to find 68 friends to join in. What you do is you gather your friends (I find Facebook invitations work best) and find a large, well-lit room (try your school dinner hall). Once you are all naked, you do a Mexican wave, touching each others bodies on the way up and down. I give this 4/10 because only 8 people came when I did it and none of them had big boobies.

The Indie/Hipster. 
This one is pretty simple (see diagram). 0/10. 

The Paedophile.
This one is illegal in most countries and in my local village so the risk makes it more exciting. It is difficult because you need a lot of stamina to capture a child. You will also need a skipping rope and usually some sweets or a puppy. Do not allow the puppy to join in the sex though because that is just sick and wrong. 5/10

The Human Dung-Beetle. 
This is like the human centipede only with more poo. 10/10.

Mario-Kart Wii.
This is not sex, just play Mario Kart. It is really fun. I like to be Yoshi. 11/10 

The Liberty Bellend.
This is when you have sex after the death of dangerous terrorists who were responsible for a large number of American causalities and deaths. You are supposed to shout 'USA! USA!' when your 'bomb explodes' and then proceed to sing the national anthem. If you can get your partner to dress up as the statue of liberty it is a bonus but I tried that once and the green paint didn't come off for two weeks and my headmaster told me off because it wasn't school uniform but it wasn't as if I could help it. 2/10. 

This is the one I do most often because usually my sexual partners get exhausted by my amazing skills and I need to finish myself off because they have passed out with the sheer bliss of their sexual experience. This is good because you can close your eyes and pretend stuff is happening, like a clown is touching your genitals or you are on a beach in Florida and Paris Hilton is there and she is naked. 9/10. 

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