Saturday, 14 May 2011

What's on your mind?


From a young age we are all taught the values of sharing. 
My most prominent lesson was when I wouldn't let my sister play with my Anastasia Barbie so she snapped its head off and hid it behind the wardrobe. 'Where is Anastaaasia?' I driveled, until a week later I found her decapitated remains rotting behind the wardrobe, her mouth still smiling on her now still and lifeless face. From that day on I knew the importance of sharing. 


But there is such a thing as sharing TOO much. Don't share your ice cream with a puppy, don't  share your toothbrush with your uncle, don't share your pen with that kid in class who chews it and sticks it in his ear. And the most important lesson of the technological age: don't share too much on Facebook.


I am not simply referring to sharing personal details like your telephone or pin numbers, but rather sharing too much through the ultimate modern medium of sharing: Facebook statuses. Without further ado, here is your guide to the most annoying Facebook status updates of all time.


I'm coming, I came, I'm seeing, I saw, I'm conquering, I conquered. 
We all know that person who decides to tell the world about every single little thing they're going to do, are doing, and have done. 'I think I'm gonna go shower' 'In the shower! :)' 'That shower was good'. 


I am so ambiguous and mysterious and this status is full of EMOTION. 
This can only be put down to drama-queen attention-seeking. Usually starting with 'omg' these statuses declare the horrors of 'something' or 'someone' and how terrible/upsetting/awesome/life-changing it was. Cue fifty comments pretending to be concerned but really just being nosey. Cue no answer as to what is actually going on.




I am not ambiguous or mysterious at all and this status is full of EMOTION. 




I stole this joke, aren't I so funny? 
In the late fourteenth century, stealing jokes and passing them off as your own was a criminal offence punishable by death. King Phillip II Augustus of France had 68 court jesters beheaded in 1342 for telling him the same joke about Charlie Sheen WINNING. I wish Augustus was still alive today to behead everyone who reposted lame jokes as statuses and pretended they were their own. The worst offence is reposting a 'like' page that already has 1,000,000,000 likes and you copied and pasted and posted. Grrr. 



I got a C in politics a-level.
Any time there is any world event or crisis, or a referendum or change in policy or the death of a major world leader/cast member of Baywatch you can count on the good old 'I did politics, I know how this works' lady or gentleman to offer you their unique opinion. Occasionally they will also provide you with conspiracy theories that only they and ten other stoners in the whole world were smart enough to uncover. 


I have friends and sometimes I have sex!
'I had such a good night with Tim, Tom, Bill, Ben, Dora, Jenny, Mark, Luke, ooops sorry I can't tag everyone else..Maureen, Lisa, Barny, Geoff, Sasha'. Tagged statuses have no purpose. To me this just seems like a massive way to say 'LOOK AT ME, I HAVE FRIENDS'. The check-in phenomenon is even worse. You are having SO much fun with Tim, Tom, Bill, Ben, Dora, Jenny, Mark, Luke, Maureen, Lisa, Barny, Geoff, and Sasha that you take the time to go on your phone and update about it. The absolute worst have to be check-in statuses about being in bed with someone. It is like you are literally trying to tell everyone you just had sex. (And it felt so good). 
The awkward moment when I post too many awkward moment statuses.
Self-explanatory.

I can't get to sleep.
Yeah cus posting a status about it is gunna help. Just call your mum for some cheese and crackers, jeez.


The Marilyn Monroe Quote. 
I'M SELFISH, IMPATIENT AND A LITTLE INSECURE. I MAKE MISTAKES, I AM OUT OF CONTROL AND AT TIMES HARD TO HANDLE. BUT IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, THEN YOU SURE AS HELL DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST. 




Fuck off. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

COMMENT ERE TO MAKE ME HAPPEE.