Monday, 25 July 2011

People you shouldn't want to do, but do.

DISCLAIMER: This article contains hints of bestiality, paedophilia, gerontophilia, necrophilia and haemophilia.

Pope Benedict XVI

I'm all about the hats. The hats and the power to make thousands of people worship and obey you as God's homeboy on earth. To be honest, it's not about Benedict specifically, it's about his Popedom. I would do any pope, but I can't, cus they're dead, so the 265th pope will have to do.


Continuing on with the elderly, stringy and evil theme, the second sexiest unsexy person (person?) would have to be Misty-Mountain dwelling, bipolar Gollum. There's something about his barely-there loincloth and magical sea blue eyes that really excites a woman. I'd love to invite him over for a hands-on game of 'What's in my pocket?'

Jasmine (from Aladdin)

As a child I used to get a 'funny happy feeling' when Jasmine came on screen, particularly during this scene.  Disney hadn't made such a blatantly sexually tense scene in a U movie since Dopey had to sleep next to Bashful after giving his bed up for Snow White.

The Scott's Porage Oats man

I'm a sucker for a man with some heavy balls.

Edward Cullen

What the fuck is wrong with you? Seriously? If you want some hot undead action try Spike or Angel. Or the pope in a few years. Don't daydream about fornicating with a paedophilic, hypothermic, 'impossibly beautiful', broody, sparkly marble skinned "vampire". You are everything that's wrong with the world. 

Severus Snape

Severus Snape, on the other hand, is the perfect example of someone broody, pale and mysterious who it is acceptable to fantasize about late at night.  Severus Snape never sparkles, because he never bathes.

Judge Judy

Judge Judy is the ultimate dominatrix. I'd like to give her a few new places to bang her gavel. The way her black robes ripple over her toned body is enough to drive a courtroom wild. I heard she wears nothing underneath.

Peter Pettigrew

Get your rat out.

Arthur Timothy Read

Whilst making advances towards Arthur would get me done for both statutory rape and bestiality, I can't help but be attracted to this left-wing ten year old aardvark. I'd like to show him some more original points of view.  Maybe I could get muffy with Muffy too. And the Tibble Twins.

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