Tuesday, 23 August 2011

How to: Self Harm.

It's that time again. That time when you look in the mirror and realise you're a worthless fat hideous bastard who nobody will ever love. Sure, you cry, but somehow it's not enough. You're too much of a pussy to end it all with some correctly tied rope and a chandelier, and you've realised scars on your wrists are so unseemly; so how do you self-harm correctly?

Brush your teeth and then drink some orange juice.
HOLY HELL, JUDITH. Scientists blame this phenomenon on Sodium Lauryl Sulphate, but what's actually happening is Satan is simultaneously dancing and pooping on your tongue. 

Have a conversation with a hairdresser.
Scissory Sally loves to ask you questions about your life as she blow dries your hair, oblivious to the fact you can't hear a word. The only thing smaller than the talk is your new fringe, which you pretend to love as you silently curse Sally for not knowing the difference between centimetres and inches.

Ring Student Finance.
If you stay on the phone with them for 4 hours, they might give you a penny in 2024.

Eat crusty bread in bed.
A fatal mistake for most humans, this act of self-harm will leave you writhing in a pain like no other. Casually enjoy your delicious French bread as you rest- fine. Wait till night time and attempt to sleep- suddenly you find your whole body is being poked by a thousand tiny crumbs brandishing knives.

Take the one ring to Mordor, 
After about a year through impossible labyrinths of razor sharp rocks and dead marshes, you won't be able to recall the taste of strawberries, nor the sound of water, nor the touch of grass. Instead, you will be naked in the dark. There will be nothing. NO VEIL BETWEEN YOU AND THE WHEEL OF FIRE. 

Talk to your mum's mate Sheila.
She remembers when you were THIS high. 

Lick a bus.
Before razor blades were commonly affordable and anti-depressants weren't in circulation, Doctors recommended depressed individuals should lick buses in order to self harm. After six hours your tongue would be rough and bumpy (just how I like it). Patients with suicidal tendencies would also lick the bus driver. 

Destroy seven horcruxes.

And ultimately destroy yourself. (Don't worry though, love will save you). 

Notice the sweetcorn in your poo.

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