Saturday, 8 October 2011

10 ways fiction has ruined my perception of reality.

Reality sucks. Do you ever get that thing where you imagine a scenario/event/person/thing and then when you finally do it/go there/meet them/get it, it sucks? Yeah, that's called Reality. Fiction is the world's way of coping with Reality. Tooth decay is brightened up by the tooth fairy, your parent's minimum wage income can be hidden by the fact that "Santa is cutting back this year, but hey there are kids in Africa without satsumas", etc. Then, at one point in your life, cruelly situated somewhere between the time you get out of nappies at three and the time you get back in them at eighty-three, it hits you. Reality. 

As a child I was constantly waiting for my magic powers/superhero skills/secret genius/connection with the universe to be uncovered. I still am. Reality's hit me, but I've stood back up, stumbled and said to it: 'No'. No. I refuse to believe in you Reality. Because I have something better on my side- Fiction. This is what's going to happen in my life, based on the wonders of fiction. This is my future: 

10.  Michael Caine will give me a make-over (by removing glasses/frizz) and not only will I be super-hot, I will save the world (with guns and stuff). 

9. Hogwarts will finally mail me my acceptance letter, explaining that I was simply a late bloomer (and that my magic power has developed at the same rate as my breasts). 

8. I will gain Bernard's Watch and never be late for anything ever, ever again. And also I will help homeless people/prevent bad things happening/steal people's food.

7. If (OK, when) I become a prostitute, a rich man will help me. His name will be Richard Gere. 

6. When I die, I will go to Heaven. 

5. I will make friends with a loving and helpful meerkat and warthog, who help me overcome my depression and aid me on my quest to free my homeland from a tyrannical British lion. 

4. My ambition to be a journalist will begin with me being the ugly one in the office and end with my spiritual and intellectual enlightenment. Also, I will get hot (via removal of glasses/frizz). 

3.If I write a book, and my sister burns it, and then I re-write it, but it sucks, a kindly German man will help make it not suck so much. 

2. At some point (soon) I will be outed as the princess of a small European principality. Again, I will magically become hot by the removal of glasses/frizz. 

1. I will live happily ever after. 

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