Thesis: Writing essays is shit.

Writing essays is hard. Like super hard. If I could go back in time, and ask  sixteenth century French Protestants what was harder- being slaughtered by Catholics or me writing an essay about them being slaughtered by Catholics, I'm sure they'd answer the latter. 


I have a little problem when it comes to writing an essay, in that I find it physically impossible to start it any earlier than the night before its due. This means the essay writing process usually begins after midnight and ends some time in the early hours, with me fast asleep on my desk, wearing Dorito crumbs instead of clothes, and dreaming about the days when homework entailed drawing a picture of my mum on poster paper. 


But because its so hard, and because I'm so helpful, I've decided to write you a handy how-to guide, that will guarantee you a first*. 


HOW TO: WRITE AN ESSAY. 


You will need:  
-8 hours
-15 videos of Bernard's Watch, courtesy of Youtube
-Buy-one-get-one-free multipack of McCoys crisps (meaty flavours) 
-Katy Perry CD

-Sainsbury's basic cookies 

-Salted popcorn 

-Sudocrem 

-Books

-Brain

-Imaginary friend

-Toilet

Method: 

It is advisable to leave your essay until the night before it's due, as it is best fresh and will retain its crispness. You will need approximately eight hours in which to complete your assignment, two of which you will be active, the other six in which you can leave the piece to simmer. 

1. Begin at 11pm. Clean your desk and poise your fingers over your keyboard, ready to begin their flourishing dance that will produce a work of unparalleled genius. Smile at the thought of the hours ahead of you and pat yourself on the shoulder with the words: 'I'm ready bitch!'. 

2. Return two hours later to begin. 

3. Begin your essay with a snappy, thought-provoking sentence.

4. Eat entire packet of Sainsbury's basic cookies. 

5. Get increasingly more confused about what is happening. Visit Wikipedia. 

6. Write title and introduction. Now take a well earned break- watch Bernard's Watch on Youtube.

7. Wish that you had Bernard's watch- you could use it to have more time in which to watch Bernard's Watch. 

8. Notice the salted popcorn that has gradually been accumulating in your bra. Sooth your red-raw salty nipples with some Sudocrem.

9. It should now be at least 2AM. Have a sudden epiphany and realise that you are a genius and probably the greatest mind that ever lived. Notice how the completion of paragraph two is definitive proof of this. 

This is me. 

10. Get naked. 

11. At this point the number of packets of McCoys eaten should be > number of words written. 

12. Put Katy Perry on. Realise that she is a lyrical genius. Realise that you are, in fact, a firework. Go on let your colours burst. Make them go AH, AH, AH.

13. Ah.

14. Analyse the construction of a McCoys packet of crisps as follows:

1 x Extremely large crisp

4 x Large- Medium crisps

3 x Medium crisps

15 x Small crisps

15. It should now be 4am. It is of vital importance that you now remove every scrap of dirt from behind your fingernails.

16. You are due a two-minute nap. 

17. Sleep for two hours.

18. Type with your tongue.

19. 6AM. Get very excited to be alive. VERY, VERY EXCITED.

Your mum's new boyfriend Gary is hot.

20. Think of brilliant essay related puns: stressay, messay, iwanttokillmyselfbutihavenovodkaorparacetamolessay

21. Write a blog about your experiences thus far. 

22. Look at pictures of people's mums on Facebook. 

23. You need to pee, but peeing is for the weak, PERSEVERE. 

24. Wonder why you're still naked.

25. Transform essay into rap-form and hope you will get extra marks for creativity. 

26. Watch Bernard's Watch. Wish both Bernard and the watch were in your arms.

27. Couldn't remember the greatest essay in the worldddd ohh nooo this is jusrt a triiiiibute.

28. Remove every single 'that' from your essay in an attempt to diminish the word count.

29. Be too badass to proofread.

30. Pass out. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*mental breakdown 

Tweet