|Back in my day, party-goers|
blew birthday candles, not Frat Boys.
Parties are a great chance to socialise with people, dance, drink, eat, and HAVE FUN.
At least, I thought they were.
|WHY SAMANTHA? WHY?|
And the best party to just turn up at uninvited? That would be a Frat Party (popularly known as a Farty- okay, I made that up, but they should be).
I was totally prepared for my first Frat Party- I'd listened to the lyrics of Katy Perry's Last Friday Night, I was wearing a smoking hot black dress, and I had enough cheese and crackers for eight people. I couldn't wait to let the shindig's shenanigans begin.
Frat Parties are like movies. First, you feel like you're in a teen movie: people are drinking, doing sexy-things, grinding, and all to a banging soundtrack. Then, you feel like you're in a horror movie: where are your friends? why is there blood in the showers? why has it all gone dark? Finally, you feel like you're in a public safety announcement about why you should never, ever accept drinks from strangers.
"Don't worry, it's not roofied" smiled a Fratster as he handed me a drink of the brightest blinding red I have ever seen. How reassuring. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to assure me that the drink I am about to awkwardly sip in the corner does not contain date-rape drugs. I feel much better now. Or as they say in the 90s- NOT.
|More bacteria than your bum'ole.|
Hundreds of prepubescent girls and sweaty boys are dipping their germy cups and hands into a vat of communal alcohol, leaving their bacteria and dignity behind in the sugary bucket. I'm sorry, but that is gross. Such a flagrant spread of personal germs is how people get sick with colds and infections. And AIDs.
There's not much else to enjoy about your time at Pi Dicky Rapey Sigma Tu Tu or whatever hellhole you end up at, because the list of things wrong with fraternity parties goes on.
Firstly, there is no food (totally justifying the Sweetcorn Stealing Incident, right?). Seriously. On the list of things that make a party, food is at the top. I want mini-pizzas, I want cupcakes, I want bags of Doritos that I can hijack and defile with my wine and tears. Frat "Brothers" have more spending money in one day than I will have in my whole pathetic life, so please, please invest in some crisps and salsa, cut up a few carrot sticks, throw on the disposable tablecloth, and let's all have a good time. Please?
|The original Frat boys.|
But before you leave, make sure you check out all the Frat house has to offer. Take a look at/piss in the disgustingly dirty bathrooms and try to wash your hands in a sink filled with vomit, wine, and discarded underwear. Explore the house and ensure you turn the light on in the living-room to reveal a lucky fratster and 15 year old Kaitlin-with-a-K getting to know one another. And most importantly, say hi to the bouncers, because y'know, what house party doesn't need armed security guards at the front door?
Whilst experts have often claimed that parties are fun, they must have excluded Farties in their calculations. The inherently homosexual environment is paradoxically coupled with the efforts of boys in nipple-revealing wife-beaters to get a bit of Hanky Panky with the underage ladies. Luckily, they are aided by the shocking male-to-female ratio of 1 male for every 72 virginal beauties.
|Wait till your mother finds out about this.|
So there you have it, now you know all about Frat parties without actually having to attend one. Or alternatively, if boiling hot rooms and remarkably un-hot boys are your thing, pop along for a night you'll never remember.
Prizes go to anyone who has read this far and anyone who caught the semi-obscure mean girls reference in this post.
Like this blog on Facebook in order to make me feel better about my life- http://www.facebook.com/Satiring